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Day 6 - BANBURY CROSS

Banbury 'Chuffin' Cross

Banbury Cross

CROSS!!!! I was fuking livid. Imagine walking 2 miles and finding this!?

I looked up the apparent meaning behind the nursery rhyme and unlike most other nursery rhymes (Ring-a-Ring-a Roses, London Bridge is Falling Down, Straight outta Compton et al) this one is not about chaos, death, mayhem disease or destruction but about a nice visit Elizabeth I once made.

Ride a cock horse to Banbury Cross
To see a fine lady upon a white horse
With rings on her fingers and bells on her toes
She shall have music wherever she goes

I researched further some of the definitions on the more archaic terms: Cock Horse = Large Stallion ('natch)

Still....Better than what stands at the original site

Day 5 - As Promised....More on Swans....

Things a Swan Can Do

Earlier revelations regarding the Cygnus bird have led us to look deeper into their shadowy underworld. At this time we can confirm very little but we do know as FACT the following

A Swan can break your arm with it's wing

A Swan can snap your clavicle with its rapier like wit

A Swan can be used to wipe your arse.....Let me just expand on this one a little

According to French renaissance writer and doctor Francois Rebelais the best thing to wipe your backside on is a swans neck. For anyone having trouble picturing this Tim has kindly taken the time to draw an artists rendition.

Serving Suggestion - Actual process may vary from that shown

Day 5 - BREAKING NEWS

Giant Spider Spotted on Grand Union Canal

Sussex man (45) Heard Screaming Like 8 Year Old Girl.

The time now is 19:30 and we are approaching Banbury Cross, famous for its Cock Horse or some such. I had something of a run in with a 'Cock Horse' at the beginning of this trip so will be keeping em peeled tonight.  We will tie up here soon, fetch the car from Wolverhampton in the morning then head back 'Dahhn Sarf' for the weekend...........Back on Monday for more of the same!!

Sussex Man (45) Seen to Raise Slight Smile

Day 5 - Swans Revealed (The truth THEY don't want you to see)

Ban This Filth

CAUGHT ON CAMERA: Swan overlords using 
Geese as slave labour

We were chased off by swan security   but not before we learnt the shocking truth

Swan extremists chase us out of town 

The Swan is using the goose as muscle against the ducks........More on this later 

Day 4 - Oh No Not More Morelocks

Yes you guessed it......More feckin' locks. Another 32 but we're back on the single locks now we are on the Oxford Canal. We were going to stop in Royal Leamington Spa but managed to sail past and not notice it's presence. I was however alert enough to spot a Macy'Ds in time for the breakfast menu.

There has been some tension today with regards issues of personal hygiene which for the sake of argument we shall be calling 'Sockgate'. Tim suggested we call in the S.M.S ( Sock Mediation Services) but I checked on the internet and could not find mention of this esteemed body anywhere.

Alas without the help of a mediation body 'Sockgate' negotiations did not go well.

....Still it has not all been bad news. We left the double locks of the Grand union behind us and here on the Oxford system things are more laid back. We still managed to complete plenty but ultimately there was only one that really mattered

Couldn't be happier

Entertaining the Morelocks

"On your own ladieeeees?!"

Day 3 - MAN DOWN!!!

The tow paths are flooded at the moment but this hasnt stopped me zooming up and down on my gay hybrid bike when only a mountain bike should do. This morning on a particularly 'gnarly' stretch fate intervened forcing the de railer mechanism up into the rear wheels and now rendering me bikeless. This sort of thing has never happened to me whilst living on dry land.......

Things That Have Never Happened to me Whilst Living on Dry Land

Bitten by a horse

Bitten by a horse fly

Had a rash south of the border from using the chemical toilet

Hit a motorway bridge with 7 tons of slow moving steel

Mashed up a dead dog wearing a romper suit (not me ....the dog)

Stared longingly into a car showroom at alternative forms of transport

Drooled on a steam engine

Given a duck diabetes 

Hoxton Heath Mclaren and Rolls Royce Showroom

Day 3 - Yet More Locks

Lapworth Locks - A 20 flight locks of excruciating pleasure. I dont think I have ever had that much fun with out laughing!!

Oh no hang on my mistake. This was a lot more fun. 33 locks of double capacity in one joyous afternoon...

Double the Capacity = Double the fun

Current Lock Total

Paul   60
Tim    4  I fuckin' kid you not!!

Day 3 - A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR -

Our Sponsor

Hi guys, you know about me and computers, so my input is minimal but    needless to say I'm doing all the work! Really hope to see some of you en-route. should be in oxford wednesday, then Reading and London, and all stops within after that. keep looking at the blog Paul updates it ALL the time. Love you all Tim.

Day 3 - More Locks

Mr and Mrs Kenny Lust of Dickens Heath,
West Mids

Having traversed some 60 locks over the last 3 days and feeling pretty chuffed about it we have been bragging to any of the other 'Boat People' who will listen.
But there is something of a one up man ship thing about this lock business and it dont matter who you talk to they have always done 'Morelocks' than you. So from now on I shall be referring to anyone on the canals as Morelocks.

Day 2 - .....Meanwhile again......

Wouldn't touch him with a ......

GROUNDED!!! We managed to ground the boat twice yesterday and in the process bust the bargepole. Our first and only casualty so far if you dont count those ducks we killed and ate .................................which we dont. It's their own fault for looking so plump and succulent.

 Dickens Heath - Twinned with Stepford and Midwich and possibly the creepiest place in UK. Certainly the weirdest place in England I've ever been to. This on Wiki from the residents.

"Although building on the final stage of Dickens Heath is still yet to happen with the current housing slump and slow sales of current stock being blamed, the village has become a vibrant centre with a high population of youngsters making the village a fun place to live"

Yea nice try suckers!!!!!!!!

We arrived at Shirley Drawbridge without an operators key and without a clue on how to get one. Luckily for us Reekya (a Norwegain woman and canal boat enthusiast who reliably informed me she had been "Doing it on the canals for years")
turned up on her boat with a key.
Neither of us knew how this thing worked and muddled on nearly crushing a car in the process. But for the highly amused locals in the beer garden opposite coming to our aid this would most certainly have usurped the bargepole in the casualty stakes.

Day 2 - .......Meanwhile

"Yow aint seen me ROIGHT!?"

So after getting nonced up by a horse this morning I thought the day could not get any more exciting.....How wrong I was.

Having traversed yesterdays 21 locks (current score now Paul 22 v Tim 1) we were looking forward to an easy day but woke to find our way barred by a rather annoying lack of water. This in a country suffering sever floods. This held us up for an hour or so until British Waterways put it right, something we could have done ourselves were we not such newbeeies.

WE HIT A DOG!! A seemingly impossible feat on a canal boat but this dog was already dead, wrapped in a childs romper suit it moved under the boat and and into the propeller. The dog was ripped asunder, the romper suit however survived and wrapped its self around the prop shaft. We (and by we I mean Tim) had to remove it by hand and have since had it stuffed and mounted (the romper suit not the dog)

Day 2 - Equine Thug

Smart people may have all the best ideas but drunks / insomniacs have all the best stories. With this in mind and with a foot in each camp (so to speak) at 05:30 this morning somewhere on the outskirts of Dudley I was bitten by a horse!!
Having left the boat early in search of eggs and a newspaper I  happened across the animal wandering down  the middle of the road.
I managed to coax him to a piece of waste land by the side of the Texaco  with a handful of grass and some Bournville (they were out of eggs) Chocolate whereupon he bit me on the leg.
Not a man to shy away from a fight I promptly called the Police and told them I would wait till they arrived.

Alas 'Dobbin' began to get a bit frisky and developed what can only be described as 'Morning Wood' so I called the police back and told them they were on their own on this one, made my excuses and fled.

Day 1 - Buying a Stairway to Dudley

Click to Enlarge (ever so slightly)

What a start we had. After waving a cheery 2 finger salute to 'Awf' the miserable Fred Dibner lookalike who  owns the boat yard we turned left and right into a 21 lock staircase.

The going rate for this is 4.5 hrs but with the England game looming we managed to do it in 3 hrs.

Of course when I say WE I use the term loosely.

Current Lock Count


Paul 21
Tim   0     (that's not a misprint that's a big fat zero)

Its only a matter of time before this sort of bravado ends in tears 

Henry Edward 2nd

Henry Edward is the name of the boat. Henry Edward Knight was my grand pappy (as i think they are now known) and my mother wished to honour his memory.




Tim will of course will want to change the name so any suggestions are welcome. Remember he is a family man with 2 young children so the ruder the suggestions the better. I have a few clean ones as follows........




1 Cirrhosis of the River
2 Narrow Escape
3 Cabin Fever
4 Fah Get A Boat It (geddit?)
5 Your Plaice Oar Mine

Henry Edward

My mothers home for the last 12 years.  Mine and Tims for the next 3 weeks....or there abouts.